pilot

akala ko mawawala sya. natakot ako, takot na takot ako. parang bata na nagtatago sa mga katotohanan ng mundo. mahina ako, at inaamin ko na sa kanya ko kinukuha ang lakas ko.

sana, kung pwede, lagi sya sa tabi ko, para hindi ko malimutan na may dahilan pa ang pagkabuhay ko sa mundong ito. para lagi kong maalala na kasabay ng kalungkutan ko, may isang taong lumuluha kasama ng mga hinagpis ko. at may isang tao na handa pa ring yakapin ako, kahit alam naming dalawa na pagkakamali ko.

eto na yata ang pinakamasayang bahagi ng buhay ko. yung araw-araw, may nakikita akong dahilan para gumising, para bumangon.

sa bawat dasal na sasambitin ko, sa pagsamo bago kumain kung saan ipagpapasalamat kong siya ang kasalo ko, sa bawat panalagin na nagpapasalamat dahil nakauwi siya ng maayos at bukas, magkikita uli kami , sa pagdalangin ko bago matulog, na nagpapasalamat na siya ang kalapit ko, kasama ang pangako na kung kailangang pagmasdan ko siya sa kanyang paghimbing upang hindi siya bawiin ng Maykapal, gagawin ko. at sa pagpikit ng aking mata, may isa pang munting kahilingan na kahit sana sa panaginip, kami ay magtagpo.

hindi ko alam kung ano ang naghihintay sa darating na panahon, pero saksi ko ang mundo, pinapangarap kong sana, sa aming dalawa, wala pa ring nagbago. kung meron man, sana ay higit pang maging matibay ang aming pagkakaibigan.

sana nalabhan na si grasa. sana may oras na kaming gawin ang napakaraming bagay na gusto naming mangyari. sana tapos nang sulatan ang green book at tapos nang iguhit ang story book. sana medyo mataba na siya at ako, wala ng ubo. sana nakakatulog na kami ng mas mahaba. sana hindi na siya mawalan ng telepono para hindi ko hanap-hanapin. sana hindi na ako magdrama ng open at close. sana handa pa din siyang makinig sa lahat ng mga hinanakit ko sa mundo, at pati na rin sa mga kalokohan ko. sana matapos na namin ang short story ni marinelle laxa, sa creepy convent, kung saan namigay sya ng paper plate na may dahon ng saging sa ilalim nito. sana kakain pa kami ng agahan sa mcdo.

sana andyan pa din c elmo at c astroboy.

sana matatawag ko pa din syang mommy at baby.

at sana, the scratching process never ends.

kung siguro ganito, wala na kong mahihingi pa sa mundo.

too busy.. the last time i wrote for this was a month ago, a lot already happened.

school. it was a roller coaster ride with all the new assignments and tasks i need to accomplish, midterms are over, and i hope to get positive result this week. we’ll start theatre production and i hope, i really really do hope that i do give justice to being a stage manager. then campus radio, ha, saya.. its cool, with all the pressure and its cold in the studio. ms pam asked me to facilitate a focus group discussion, ms cabailo asked me to join ec com.. mcrae asked me to be his assistant..

life, life itself. its been quite good, actually, very very good, janie learned this skill to smile even though its not worth smiling and to just shut up so as not to cause pain to others. one thing cool, i have learned to ignore rumors. yes, there are a lot of rumors lately. that me and a good friend are into a romantic thing.. funny how life can really get!

cadeau. my strength. would not last this long without cadeau.

im planning for a lot of things and i hope to accomplish them on time, its just that sometimes, there are things beyond human control and we have to let go because of that.

im all good. im fragile. but im happy. im hurting, so much, so much its already bleeding, but im happy.

came from a funeral mass, my sunday mass was a funeral mass.

i am so stupid not to realize that God will take care of them..

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i am in my best moments of inspiration. id like to believe that the angel i have long been asking God has finally reached earth and touched my life. how could it be so real?

it really is funny, how things came.. how it all happened. rumors wont kill me no more.

im too inspired to express it in words.. maybe when i get over being overwhelmed, i can explain why.

janie. =)

i miss writing. too busy with other mass comm things and i miss the very reason why im taking this course, my love for writing.

school. everything’s pretty smooth, can still comply with all its demands.

- haay, opinion editor na, honestly, it scares me. it is giving me a lot of fears lately, that i might not write well, that they don’t appreciate it, and things like that. i hope to put a difference in the lives of my readers. 

- i play for our sponsored mass. it was one of the things that really challenged me. i have never seen myself so prepared for anything. thanks to Him, He made things work.

- i have Get Crazy with Janie Wanie! it was cool.. although no one dared to give us a joke at the phone-in questions.

- tech director… basically in charged of all the music and sounds to be played with the CDS provided by the presenter themselves. One group, their cd failed to play with the booth player and with their own. I feel bad. They were disqualified and now, they’re blaming one of our production assistant for their misfortunes and that their cd player was broken, by our PA? no way!

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i lighted 10 candles because i feel sooooooo guilty and soooooooo bad for raising my voice, babaw. i shouldnt have done that. it ruined everything. cadeau was with tears and  i let my init ng ulo and take control of me. thanks to the 10 candles.

if only i could light with candles the railroads, i will.

failing. they are the very reason why we achieve. don’t push them away when they come, it will give way for something better. 

i am surprised with the comments. thanks. havent been checking friendster and i just read them… feels great!

_ janie wanie _

i am very much in the middle.

half of me says im happy, going back to my old self. after all the things that happened last week, there’s no way circumstances will give pain again.

half of me says im not, im still stranded to this thing i cant manage to come up with a well-crafted decision.

it really is funny to make mistakes, to cry because of simple things that make the happiest people on earth who they are, to miss what you have always dreamt of. but then, nobody can take away what is already yours. the process of learning how to achieve had always been the driving force behind me. since the day i have first painted my hands in the walls of my old school, i promised that i will make these hands known, maybe not around the world, but at least, around those i will be given a chance. it is coming true, it did came true, long ago. it’s a different story now, and the process gets better.

this is the first for the second. all the best.

He brought me here, im certain, it was Him.

2 weeks after school and i havent learned anything very much authentic yet. Patience. Patience is what Anakin Skywalker dont have that turned him to become Darth Vader. I dont want to be a creature living inside a dreaded black dress.

cadeau. we’ve been quite challenged lately, but nonetheless, we’ve managed to be happy, genuinely happy. food, how can it be so real?

sometimes, we hold back the things we already have left. but they are treasures beyond compare and its going to be a big mistake letting them slip away again.

3rd. jinx. that’s right.

Boss, teach me to give everything away, not to hold anything back for myself, not to have reservations for assurance. i know its the only way out. teach me, Master.

at long last, i finally got everything almost settled and in the process of moving on.

getting started, more importantly know that class have already resumed and id have to eradicate all negative thoughts to be able to make the most out of everything life is offering. one week of feeling lonely and suffering from despair is enough to realize that there is always a better side of it.

whatever may come, i guess il make better decisions this time. i have long been in the middle, in the battlefield where all fighting takes place, but then i dont have to take sides, i was never a part of it.

cadeau. amazing it seems how i have learned to value even single, not-so-special moments with cadeau or should i say that all moments became special because they were spent with cadeau. forgive me for not using any pronoun for cadeau. we can last this.. God knows id die to save this, save us, together.

may we find all our heart’s desire, all that God deems necessary for us.

moving on begins.

"it is not who i am underneath, it is what i do that defines me."

at school, schedule sucks! i almost died enrolling making sure i have all the schedules that i want, now, it’s me adjusting. isn’t that fair?

but desperate measures are necessary and i have to comply with that.

why do we have to care for people who would not even move a finger to do something for us?

thanks to cadeau. ive managed to smile with the presence of the aura that gives me strength and hope. janie’s dead without cadeau.

19.

im 19 and happy.

there were a lot of things to be thankful for. i almost cry doing that hours ago, i dont want to cry. that will ruin it.

at 19, i guess somehow, i have the right to call myself a functional member of the world. in my own way, i know there was something i was able to share.

at 19, im still at school and is close to finishing it, hopefully i make it on time.

at 19, im still childish. happy at little stuff, forgiving even at worst scenarios.

at 19, i have learned that staying happy depends on how you look life. God was generous enough to give us free will, so we’ll have our own plans on how we will run our lives.

at 19, i guess, i have a sane mind still. i have made wrong calls and bad moves, but nonetheless, i have tried to counter them with better, well-thought actions.

at 19, im excited what life still has to offer and im as well preparing for the life beyond 19 and years larger than that.

at 19, i am close to the life i havent experienced yet even in the past years. the afterlife.

at 19, i write blogs. and it’s cool.

ad majorem dei gloriam.

19.

i must not fear to let go, though i have always been afraid to lose hope.

sometimes, in the process of trying to get what we want, and failing to actually call them, "ours", God is so nice to shower us with things better than what we have been actually working for. so at the end of the day, we smile. we are happy.

but days will test us, most of the time, will question us if we have made the wrong decision of settling with something we never have dreamt of. so we change our ways, and again, look for that something we have always wanted.

stupidity as it may seem, but i kept running around in circles.

letting go. this time, it is certain, i am certain.

Boss wanted me to settle with the one who have always been around despite having its own weaknesses and failures, who never fails to light up the day and make me travel miles just for the smile that fills the emptiness inside me. crying with my cadeau gives me the most amount of certainty.

letting go, the only way out.

"pasandal naman sa likod mo, kahit isang gabi lang?"

as barry manilow sings, letting go is just another way to say, il always love you so.